


awake and unafraid, asleep or dead

by untouchableocean



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: :shakes in brit:, Feelings Realization, M/M, aw. its SOPPY, but also quite angsty, i hate how that tag has the american spelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22031572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untouchableocean/pseuds/untouchableocean
Summary: It turns out that when you're having a gay panic in a foreign country, it's hard to get to sleep.
Relationships: Sergio Perez/Daniel Ricciardo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	awake and unafraid, asleep or dead

**Author's Note:**

> me: i’m gonna go to sleep early  
brain: no. you are going to write catholic enchanté guilt. or you are going to die  
so yeah i wrote this in four hours last night with half a headache after watching d2s again  
title from famous last words by my chemical romance. because we all went through an emo phase, and some of us are still in that phase.

The blinding lights of Singapore stream in through the hotel window, and Checo sighs heavily, staring up at the ceiling. He traces the patterns on the plaster, trails his eyes over the bland decor of the room, over Daniel’s belongings spread across the desk and chairs. His eyes are sore and his body aches and even though he’s tired as hell from qualy, he can’t seem to fucking sleep.

Daniel shuffles next to him and lets out a long snore. _ Alright for some, _Checo thinks as he sits up, pushing his hair out of his eyes and pulling his knees close to his chest. He’s too hot when he’s got the sheet on but when he throws it off he’s too cold, and he wonders how Daniel always manages to get to sleep so effortlessly. He’s sweating and it’s too humid and he rolls out of bed, only just managing to land on his feet before wandering into the bathroom.

He grabs the nearest glass and fills it from the tap, the cold water like liquid heaven as he gulps it down. Glancing at himself in the mirror makes him wince; he’s an utter mess, his boxers are clinging to his legs and sweat makes him glisten in the harsh fluorescent bathroom lights. He feels disgusting, and as soon as he finishes his water he grabs another glass and drinks it even faster.

The shower has never been more inviting, and he checks the time - it’s 3am, and he knows he should head back to try and sleep but he’s been tossing and turning for well over an hour now, so he figures there’s no harm in a quick rinse. He kicks off his boxers and steps into the shower, making sure the temperature knob is turned all the way to _ fucking freezing _ before he turns on the water.

The water is a shock when he turns it on, and he almost jumps out of his skin but after a few seconds he gets used to it enough to stop tensing up. He relaxes, letting the icy water cascade over him, washing away the layer of sweat that had formed over his whole body. He rubs the base of his spine, trying to ease some of the aching from earlier. Being fucked right after qualy always ends in twice the pain, but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make - besides, he’s used to it now. He used to kid himself it was more for Daniel but deep down he knows that he needs it just as much as Daniel does.

Daniel. _ Fuck_, he doesn’t even know where to start with piecing together his thoughts on Daniel. He’s always tried his best to ignore the unbearable feeling of comfort that he feels around Daniel, but recently it’s been getting harder and harder to ignore. Daniel doesn’t judge him, ever; it’s almost tiring how supportive he is, how he’s always ready to listen without saying anything, but when he does say something it always seems to be the right thing.

This time last year, after the shitshow that was Singapore ‘18, Daniel had been the first person to text. Nothing big, just a _ you alright?, _but it had been enough to make Checo stop off in Monaco the day after just to bang on his door and fall silently into his arms. He’d almost talked about it, he’d felt safe enough, but something trapped the words in his throat and he ended up getting Daniel to fuck him over the kitchen counter until he could barely remember what team he raced for.

He doesn’t think he’s ever had anything like what he has with Daniel. He doesn’t even know _ what _ he has with Daniel; at this point it’s gone past sex, no matter how much he tried to hold his emotions at arms length so he could keep it unattached, but they’ve never really talked about it. He’s sure Daniel wants to talk about, but Checo’s never been able to the right words to bring it up without shame puncturing his skin.

He wonders if Carola knows. Maybe she at least thinks there’s another woman; he doesn’t know if the truth would hurt more or less. He knows he’ll have to tell her one day, and the thought breaks his heart time and time again. It’s a fine mess he’s got himself into, but maybe when he’s retired he can tell her the truth. That he’s sorry. That he does love her. Just not like that. Because no matter how much he’s tried, he can’t like that.

Or he can, just not her.

He turns the shower off. The silence is deafening, nothing but his own thoughts rolling around in his skull like marbles. He steps out onto the tiles and grabs the plush towel hanging on the rack, drying himself off and pulling on a fresh pair of boxers. He can hear Daniel snoring occasionally from the other room, and when he sticks his head out of the door, he sees him tangled up in the sheet that Checo had thrown off of himself earlier. It’s sickeningly domestic, and his heart thuds in his chest at the sight.

Daniel is a miracle, and Checo’s spent so many years convincing himself he doesn’t deserve one that he didn’t notice when one came crashing down into his life in a flurry of obnoxious cologne and blinding smiles. Daniel’s the constant, the one who’s always there, a shoulder to cry on but still ready to smack him back to reality when he needs it. Daniel gives and gives with no expectation of getting anything back, and the realisation of just how much Checo would give for Daniel hits him like a flaming brick.

No matter how much he tries, he can’t deny the feelings he has for Daniel anymore, and crucially, he finds himself not _ wanting _ to deny them. He _ wants _ to love Daniel, he wants to hold him and cherish him and fuck him and he knows this isn’t just his 3am brain talking, this is real, this is everything, and for the first time in perhaps forever he suddenly realises -

_ he doesn’t feel guilty. _

He half runs out of the bathroom doorway and jumps on the bed, crawling until he’s almost sitting on top of Daniel, shaking his shoulders until he groggily blinks open his eyes. He takes a second to adjust to being awake again, not even flinching at Checo hovering above him, practically crushing his thighs.

“What..? What time is i-”

“I love you.”

They’re both surprised by how easily the words tumble out of Checo’s mouth, especially Daniel as he’s still half asleep and wasn’t expecting it at all. He pushes himself to sit a bit more upright and Checo catches his lips in a kiss, more intense than he’d meant it to be but Daniel goes with it, cupping Checo’s cheeks as he pulls back to look at him properly.

“Slow down a sec, am I dreaming?”

Checo laughs breathlessly and covers Daniel’s hand on his cheek, the other moving to rest at his shoulder as he shakes with a messy combination of euphoria and fatigue.

“No, no, you’re awake, I promise,” he manages to breathe out, almost believing that he’s sleeping too. “I love you, Daniel, I really do, I love you-”

He doesn’t get to say it again before Daniel pulls him back down into another kiss, holding onto him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. 

“Fuck, I love you too, I love you so much, oh my god-” he whispers between kisses, and Checo can feel the words on his lips, his smile making it obvious just how much he really, truly means it. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to say this for so long, why’d you make me wait this long, asshole?”

They both laugh and Checo lets Daniel switch their positions, pinning him to the mattress and kissing him like he’s the only thing that matters, like he’s the only thing that will ever matter again. Daniel runs his hands up Checo’s chest and Checo sighs, grabbing Daniel’s shoulders and leaning back into the pillow, dragging Daniel as far down with him as he can.

“I love you,” his voice cracks a little and he’s not even embarrassed at the tears that form in the corners of his eyes. He feels like something’s exploded inside him, and tears are just the natural spillage of whatever’s been trapped inside his body for so long. “I love you so fucking much, fuck, I-I love you, I’m-”

His chest is heaving and he doesn’t know if he can even say any words other than _ I love you _, and Daniel kisses his neck softly, rubbing his hands up and down his sides, grounding him.

“Shh, it’s alright, it’s okay, you’re alright.”

Daniel’s ability to make him calm down is uncanny and he relaxes, sinking into the mattress and looking up at Daniel through tear clouded eyes. The flashing city lights through the window make him look superlunary, and he has to convince himself that _ this is real, you’re here, he loves you, you love him, it’s okay. _ Daniel grins and bends down to kiss him again, more tender this time, and Checo hugs him as close as he can manage, almost melting their bodies together.

He smiles softly up at Daniel when he breaks away, marvelling at his glowing curls and awed expression. Maybe he’ll feel guilty tomorrow. Maybe it will all come crashing down. Maybe. But right now, he knows that he can take it. Whatever gets thrown at him, he can take it, because he’s in love, and it feels fucking _ good_.

**Author's Note:**

> all checo fans signed a pact to never talk about singapore 2018 which is the REAL reason i didnt write about it actually


End file.
